Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
