i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Randomize
