please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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