My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
