I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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