That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
