I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
