his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
