i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
