it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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