I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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