After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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