i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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