nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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