Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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