Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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