the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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