I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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