I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
