Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
