Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
