I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
