Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
