If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
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