My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Come see our sink grown plant.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize