the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
