Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
