She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
