Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
