she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize