I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
