somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
