So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
