If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
