party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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