If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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