After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
