i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Randomize
