Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
