Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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