It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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