apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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