Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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