so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
