Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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