So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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