Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
But theres a keg here and me gusta
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
