but the lizard people decide everything anyway
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
