there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Randomize
