you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
