found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I just forgot I was standing up.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
