dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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