I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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