Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
