Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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