There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
