im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
