sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
