My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
