It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
